Albert's Return

by
Marriot Edgar

You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom
At the zoo up at Blackpool one year
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
Gave a lion a poke in the ear?

    -= o =-

The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made 'im wild
And before you could say "Bob's yer uncle"
E'd upped and 'e'd swallowed the child.

    -= o =-

'E were sorry the moment 'e done it;
With children 'e'd always been chums,
And besides, 'e'd no teeth in his muzzle,
And 'e couldn't chew Albert on't gums.

    -= o =-

'E could feel the lad movin' inside 'im
As 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns;
And it might 'ave been little lad's birthday-
E wished 'im such 'appy returns.

    -= o =-

But Albert kept kickin' and fightin'-
And Wallace got up, feelin' bad.
Decided 'twere time that 'e started
To stage a comeback for the lad.

    -= o =-

Then puttin' 'ead down in one corner,
On 'is front paws 'e started to walk;
And 'e coughed, and 'e sneezed, and 'e gargled
'Till Albert shot out - like a cork!

    -= o =-

Now Wallace felt better directly
And 'is figure once more became lean.
But the only difference with Albert Was,
'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.

    -= o =-

Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
'Ad gone back to their tea, feelin' blue.
Ma said, "I feel down in the mouth, like."
Pa said, "Aye, I bet Albert does, too."

    -= o =-

Said Mother, "It just goes to show yer
That the future is never revealed;
If I'd thowt we was goin' to lose 'im,
I'd 'ave not 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled."

    -= o =-

Let's look on the bright side," said Father,
"Wot can't be 'elped must be endured;
Each cloud 'as a silvery lining,
And we did 'ave young Albert insured."

    -= o =-

A knock on the door came that moment
As Father these kind words did speak.
'Twas the man from Prudential - 'e'd come for
Their tuppence per person per week.

    -= o =-

When Father saw 'oo 'ad been knockin',
'E laughed, and 'e kept laughin' so -
The man said "'Ere, wot's there to laugh at?"
Pa said "You'll laugh and all when you know!"

    -= o =-

"Excuse 'im for laughing," said Mother,
"But really, things 'appen so strange -
Our Albert's been et by a lion;
You've got to pay us for a change!"

    -= o =-

Said the young man from the Prudential:
"Now, come, come, let's understand this-
You don't mean to say that you've lost 'im?"
Pa said "Oh, no, we know where 'e is!"

    -= o =-

When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details,
A purse from 'is pocket he drew
And 'e paid them with interest and bonus
The sum of nine pounds, four and two.

    -= o =-

Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'and on the money
When a face at the window they see-
And Mother cried "Eee, look, it's Albert!"
And Father said "Aye, it would be."

    -= o =-

Albert came in all excited,
And started 'is story to give;
And Pa said "I'll never trust lions
Again, not as long as I live."

    -= o =-

The young man from the Prudential
To pick up the money began
But Father said "'ere, wait a moment,
Don't be in a 'urry, young man."

    -= o =-

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
'E said "'Ere, pop off back to the zoo;
Get your stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle-
Go and see wot the tigers can do!"

This page copyright 2000..2005 - Raj Rijhwani <raj@rijhwani.org>
(with due credit given to Marriott Edgar for the original work)
Page created October 6, 2000. Last updated December 1, 2005.
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